blessed

I was at my first of four weddings that I’ll be officiating this past weekend. It was in Tahoe and ahhh… I forgot how beautiful Lake Tahoe really is. I got to meet a lot of Gail and Hubert’s family and got to know hear some good stories.

I was talking with one of Gail’s cousins – a really interesting guy who works for a school-photography company [taking those semi-cheese stock school photos - the one we all had when we were in elementary school]. On first appearance he looked like one of those typical “I’m-passionate-about-art-and-design-but-I’m-always-misunderstood-so-I’ll-keep-a-harder-exterior-and-a-safe-distance-from-you” – I guess I judge people just like everyone else.

But it was easy to strike up a conversation and connection with him – of which couldn’t be said about most people these days. We talked about random things, including careers, photography, family, etc. And then I noticed that he had a tattoo on his wrist – so I asked him what that tattoo was. It looked like a bracelet tattooed around his wrist with the following word inscribed on the inside of the wrist:

It is pronounced “ASHER” which means “BLESSED” in Hebrew… I didn’t want to flex my amazing Hebrew on him… frankly all I could do what pronouce it. I totally forgot what it meant.

He shared that as he was growing up he was really hard on himself. He would hear people’s criticism and he’d take it really hard and be in depressive funks for weeks on end. A few years ago he went to the Philippines to visit family and came across a group of people who had far less than he had and yet weren’t suffering the same type of emotional funks. They were blessed… and it reminded him that he was blessed as well. And as he began to remember that God had indeed blessed him [I assume with the life, the skills, the job he has, etc.]… the depressive funks began to go away. He said he suffers very few of those funks these days.

He finished off his explanation with this – that at the end of the day [his words not mine, haha], God’s opinion of him was the only one that mattered. It was so encouraging… to hear someone understand in it’s simplest form, the essential message of Jesus. I don’t think he went to church or was particularly “religious” – whatever that means. But he understood… and because of this, he a very genuine “sunny-disposition”… it wasn’t fake like many of us “professional” Christians. He was very thoughtful and you can tell he’s a thinker – but he didn’t look weighed down and had no problem sharing his story with some punk like me.

He knew he was blessed – but after our convo, I was the one who’s blessed.

happy mother’s day

I know that it was just Father’s Day, but I went through some old files and found an old post that I meant for Mother’s Day… so here goes:

It’s been a while since I’ve shed a tear for mom. But as cliché as it is, Mother’s Day still does it. And it’s a simple whisper to myself that I miss mom. That I miss her presence and her words of wisdom; she was the voice of reason for our family.

I thought recently of how the legacy of my mom lives strong in me. And that will automatically get passed on to my kids. There is so much of who she is that is alive in me. Her caring touch; her welcoming spirit. I’m not all like my mom, but she lives strongly in me. And I’m proud of that. And I’m proud that my kids will get to experience her in me.

I guess that’s really the picture of discipleship… and the picture of multiplication. I think about how mom never really got to see the fruits of her testimony, the impact her life has had on others. But we get to enjoy it and it gets passed to others. The others will never know who passed on the legacy to us… but they’ll get to experience it. And that’s the movement of God.

Mom, when I picture you, you’ve got this huge smile… the one that I always see first whenever I see you. You never fail to express in a multitude of ways that you’re just glad to see me and that you’re proud of me. Even that will do more for your grandkids than you’ll ever know. Thank you mom. I love you… Happy Mother’s Day mommy.

where does the bible talk about senior pastors?

I remember being in seminary and a friend of mine came to me with a “huge” discovery. He said – I don’t see any where in the Bible that talks about churches needing a senior pastor. He pointed out that the early church communities functioned from a plurality of non-educated, regular Christian leaders and that we need to rethink how the church does leadership.

When he said that, I was flabbergasted. How dare he challenge the church. I couldn’t believe it – some young punk coming in and speaking against what generations of Christians have accepted. I remember a friend and I started throwing back rebuttals to his argument; of which none were biblical. We just couldn’t imagine a church without a singular pastoral head. In the end, I thought he was a loony. He can take his “infantile” ideas of church and start his own little commune.

Little did I know, I’d be taking my own advice. I’d even run with his premise and take it way further. Why was I so resistant? Here are a few reasons why:

• Threat – It threatened what I had believed in for so long and had never challenged. Because if he’s right, then I may be wrong [at least partially].
• Pride – I didn’t want to admit that he was on to something. If I gave credence to his question, I’d need to travel down the same road of questioning. And you never know where that’s going to lead.
• Fear – What’s going to happen to my master plan? My plan of getting lots of degrees and being a big shot? What if all I was trying to achieve is a waste of time? What do I tell the people who were paying my way?

I had to fight back. I had to… or else, I’d lose it all.

And in fact I did lose it all. God found a way to drive that nail of skepticism into my brain. I had to ask the questions I didn’t want to ask. I had to confront why I didn’t like asking them. I had to defend why I came to certain conclusions. And I realize that it was God’s way of helping me lose. Helping me lose it all… so that in turn I can gain something better. That seems to be a theme somewhere.

And now when I ask the hard questions to others and feel the push-back, I know the feeling. And when it’s coming from leaders who are supposedly more experienced and more knowledgeable than me… I don’t quite know how to respond. I can empathize… because they have way more to “lose” than I ever did. I’m 35… I don’t have 30 years of ministry life to reckon with.

But at the same time – I find myself assuming the elder brother role in the prodigal son narrative – and I judge. I judge the heck out of people. I wonder why they can’t see things the way the Bible so plainly states. I wonder why they are so defensive and inadvertently say things to put me down. I wonder why they are so obtuse – resistant to just asking the simple, unavoidable questions… just questions!

And then I remember myself… and how I shot down my friend and judged him for being so bold as to challenge the “church.” I want to judge some more and be angry… but I have not far to look but within myself to find the same crap that I’m so outraged by.

Lord, help me to forge ahead and yet have mercy on my friends/father-figures who may quite see it yet.

emotional intelligence

Here’s a great summary article on emotional intelligence from MindTools.com. I find that most people don’t understand their emotions well and yet it’s so critical in being able to relate with people and function well in whatever career or social setting we’re in. And yet I read this and I realize that for most people, there’s a roadblock to being able to “do” the things they suggest. Because if you can do all the things needed for higher emotional intelligence [humbly receiving criticism, observing how you affect people, taking responsibility for your own actions, etc.] you need to already have some level of self-assuredness, confidence or character. Without those, emotional intelligence is almost impossible to develop or maintain. 

Which brings me back to that Jesus-thing. Without some transformative work by Jesus, we’re left powerless to overcome the extraordinarily selfish disposition that keeps us from enduring someone’s verbal hits, owning up to our junk and being mindful of how others feel when we do things. 

But in the end, I agree with the article that emotional intelligence is as important if not more important than any other kind of intelligence. Check it out:

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Developing Strong “People Skills”

We probably all know people, either at work or in our personal lives, who are really good listeners. No matter what kind of situation we’re in, they always seem to know just what to say – and how to say it – so that we’re not offended or upset. They’re caring and considerate, and even if we don’t find a solution to our problem, we usually leave feeling more hopeful and optimistic.

We probably also know people who are masters at managing their emotions. They don’t get angry in stressful situations. Instead, they have the ability to look at a problem and calmly find a solution. They’re excellent decision makers, and they know when to trust their intuition. Regardless of their strengths, however, they’re usually willing to look at themselves honestly. They take criticism well, and they know when to use it to improve their performance. 

People like this have a high degree of emotional intelligence, or EI. They know themselves very well, and they’re also able to sense the emotional needs of others.

Would you like to be more like this?

staying home – traveling with family and reflection on nouwen

It’s funny [or disturbing] how much gets revealed when you spend bulk time with your family. I’m in Taiwan spending a week with my dad – taking care of family business, helping him sort through my grandparents things. Basically spending some father and son time. There have been few moments of “I’ll remember this for a lifetime”… but it’s been more of a journey in seeing the baggage my family carries around with them… and most certainly my own baggage that I still deal with.

I’ve been reading Henri Nouwen again. That guy reads me like a book [ironically as I’m reading his]. This time it’s The Return of the Prodigal Son which is his exposition of the Luke 15 passage and a personal journal of his encounter with Rembrandt’s painting of which he titled the book after.

I’m not even half way done and the thing is killing me; and I’m only up to where he talks about the rebellious younger son. He uses the analogy of the younger son “leaving home” as a parallel of when we doubt that God’s love is unconditional or that in him we are fully alive and secure. And when we doubt and begin looking in other places as if we don’t already have a home… that’s leaving home.

It can manifest in being at the mercy of people’s opinions, posturing for attention or respect, being paralyzed by fear… when we leave to find what we already have in God… we’re leaving home.

Here’s some Nouwen:

“…when I forget that voice of the first unconditional love, then these innocent suggestions can easily start dominating my life and pull me into the ‘distant country.’ It is not very hard for me to know when this is happening… a little criticism makes me angry and a little rejection makes me depressed. A little praise raises my spirits, and a little success excites me. It’s takes very little to raise me up or thrust me down… I am the prodigal son every time I search for unconditional love where it cannot be found.”

I notice when I’m around my family for a substantial period of time – this time my dad and my uncle – I see their insecurities, their posturing, their paralysis, their judgmentalism… and then I realize that it’s all in me. That’s frightening. Really frightening.

I see my own insecurities: I see how I try to say things that shade towards my competence, I see how I get scared to say the wrong things so I retreat into silence, I see how I throw back the judgment I think I’m getting with more judgment.

It’s born from thoughts in my mind that end with “…is not good enough.” My Chinese is not good enough, my career is not good enough, my “required public behavior” is not good enough, etc. When I allow these thoughts to stay too long, I’m forced to act out out on them [as if they were true]… and I realize that I’ve ventured into that “distant country”… looking for something that can never be found there.

It highlights even more the need to stay close to home… where I don’t need to validate my worth, daydream of proving everyone wrong, wait for moments to highlight my brilliance. Home is where I’m received with nothing to prove and no explanation needed. It’s only here that I’m actually free to express myself without shading, say things without fear of getting it wrong and return judgment with mercy and humility.

It’s being out of my regular environment and around the people that push my buttons that I see the full breadth of my flawed-ness, the ball of anger, fear, pride, restlessness, sensitivity that I am [at times]. But it underscores my need to stay close to home. Rest my head on the chest of my Father, receive his embrace and enjoy being his son. 

So my time here is not all “hyper-emo”… have had good dumplings, spending quality time with pops and will get to see some friends. Hopefully some more reflection on Nouwen soon…

soulja

From the Urban Dictionary:

Not to be (stereotypically) confused with Jesus freaks or aimless gang members. A Soulja, is anyone who has gone through hard times and fought against adversity. A Soulja’s strength comes from within, strength of mind, body, soul, and character. A true Soulja would have learned from his/her mistakes, taken responsibility for his/her actions and gained strength to never back down. Someone who knows no limits to his/her own power and God given abilities. A person who serves their people, lives by a strict code, and is never afraid to stand up for what they believe in. Someone who is willing to fight for their home, family, property, etc, but is not necessarily part of a conventional service (Army, Marines, Navy, Air Force, etc). A Soulja cannot be defined by race, age, background, location, or economic status.

snappy and mona

There are these houses right next to the place that we rent for our monthly worship gatherings. They are boarding houses that cater to mentally impaired adults that fall between the systemic cracks. Not dysfunctional enough to be hospitalized. Not functional enough to be integrated in society.

We’ve been next door to the houses for almost 4 years and have gotten to know a lot of the people. It hasn’t been easy… their range of ailments span widely… schizophrenia, depression, bi-polar, brain damage, psd, prolonged drug/alcohol abuse, etc. – everyone is on some more form of medication. And it hasn’t been easy to connect or love them. The truth is that I think we’re getting over the dirtiness… the smell… the ingrained suburban value that the reason you work hard is to avoid people like this… and getting over taking the easy route of just giving money and withholding the human touch.

I think the biggest struggle for our community when it comes to connecting with our neighbors is being open to integrating our lives with theirs. They aren’t charity cases… they aren’t projects for us to complete. They are people and they like everyone else are dying for someone to acknowledge that their existence in this world matters. That they aren’t alone… that someone cares.

There’s two people named Snappy and Mona. They are good friends and likely 15-20 years apart in age. And they’ve been faithfully coming to our worship times for the past few years… with no one to remind them that it’s on the 3rd Sunday. In this realm they are far more committed than some of our more “functional” people.

Snappy asked me last Sunday, “When are we going to go out to lunch? I owe you lunch!” We did lunch once before and had burritos and he was bent on going back to the same place. It’s got good memories apparently. We go and Snappy asks me politely whether Mona can come and we head over to Super Tacqueria for lengua burritos. That particular day was really packed… I was meeting with several disciple groups, doing some training and preparing for pre-marital counseling. Lots of “work” that day.

But as I was sitting in the sun with Snappy and Mona, two people who may never quite fit into the “brilliant” church structure that I’ve created, I was reminded that I was eating with two of my friends. They enjoyed my company and I enjoyed theirs. They didn’t need anything from me other than me. And I couldn’t expect anything from them other than just them. And I realized that that was enough. They remind me that it’s not always about “getting it done”. They remind me that there’s a human level to everything that gets missed when we’re always functioning on the business side of life. I’m reminded that Jesus doesn’t love me any more and Jesus does love them any less. And that the Gospel makes more sense when we have friends who are physically poor and we can recognize our common inability/desperation/incompetence in life.

Every time Snappy is in my car… he leaves a “residue” on my seat. I really don’t care to guess what it is and it kinda smells. But hey, we’re friends and friends can clean up after each other and look forward to the next burrito date.

grown-ups like numbers

“Grown-ups like numbers. When you tell them about a new friend, they never ask questions about what really matters. They never ask: ‘What does his voice sound like? What games does he like best? Does he collect butterflies?’. They ask: ‘How old is he? How many brothers does he have? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make?’ Only then do they think they know him.”
The Little Prince – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

I talk to a lot of people about our community and the churchier people always ask about numbers. And then ask very little after that. It’s always a race to get more in the door… and not a look at what “more” really is. Many a prophet [Leonard Sweet, Reggie McNeal, etc] have talked about changing the metrics of church and church planting… “measuring” the important things that reflect transformation not accumulation.

I had to explain to my boss what was getting me excited lately… things that reflect the right kind of growth. Lisa and Serg have been in our community for a long time and have been leading a house church for quite some time. They were good and faithful leaders, but have struggled at times and were surely learning on the job [that's intentional]. But over the course of the last few years, they along with myself have realized that they have a discernable passion for high school students. And as I began to notice it more I wondered, “Why the heck are they leading a group full of their peers. It ought to be high school kids!”

Lisa and Serg helped at a youth retreat recently discovering yet again that the passion in them for students wasn’t arbitrary, but certainly God-planted. So when Lisa returned she prayed how she might move out among her students to bring Jesus to them. Through prayer, she was led to 5 students – 2 of whom do not know Jesus. She asked all 5 students if they wanted to meet up to study the Bible together and all of them gave a resounding ‘yes’. They’ll start it up at McDonald’s this Saturday.

During the retreat Serg had a great connection with one student and made a very tangible impact in his life. The student returned back to school and after a week, told Lisa and Serg that he had 3 classmates who didn’t know Jesus but were interested in learning more. And he asked them what he was supposed to do now and Serg is now discipling this student to continue to bring the Gospel to his classmates.

I realize that I can’t count any of these people as “members” of Haven. And I don’t want to. It doesn’t work all to well with the traditional metrics of church planting. And the truth is that Lisa and Serg likely needed to grow in certain areas of their lives before they were able to get to this point. It’s hard to “measure” their growth over the course of the last few years… numbers don’t reflect that either. But it’s their growth as lovers and followers of Jesus that precipitated God placing them in the right place with the right heart to begin transformational movement among people that they have true passion for. Either way… numbers don’t reflect that.

I have had to wrestle away the importance of numbers in my own spirit. Wrestle away my need to base my value/significance on the numbers. And relearn what it means to see the important things… about people and about community. And begin to live it even when my spirit screams otherwise.

I realize that my little church planting experiment has done more for me than any one else… but I’m glad some of what I’m learning is rubbing off on the people who are coming along for the ride.

managing vs. leading

I might as well just feed David Watson stuff into this blog and then call it a day. I was asked by a few of my ardent subscribers [2?] to write more on leadership and everytime I read Watson’s blog on leadership it just encapsulates exactly what I’d want to say. So why not just copy it?

The big thrust is this – management over leadership. As I reflect on reading many leadership books, listening to countless diatribes on leadership, I find that most of them have to do with managing. Managing resources and people to get the objectified yet “spiritualized” goal of either church planting or church growth.

And I realize the questions that divides the two is this: are we developing people or developing the organization? And I haven’t found many who’s heart is to truly develop people at the expense of the organization. Because the truth is that there will be plenty of moments where we must choose one over the other. They are not one in the same. But that already begs a lot of different questions that this posting wasn’t meant for in the first place.

Another way of communicating this:

Manager –>> Uses People [incl. other Resources] –>> Develop/Build Churches

OR

Leader –>> Uses Churches [Structure/Money/Vision] –>> Develop/Build People

Is the goal church or people? That’s a big difference. David Watson fleshes this out more… I’ve had a few people read this and immediately realize that they’ve been managers and not leaders all along. Take a read:

What Makes a Great Leader?

As I begin this new series on Leadership, I want to orient us towards a biblical understanding of leadership.  Most of us have spent a lifetime studying leadership.  We have read all the secular and religious leadership and management books we can get our hands on.  We have attended the conferences and seminars, and some of us have led conferences or seminars on leadership.  Many of us have degrees that include elements of management and/or leadership.  Our ministries are about developing leaders, and we are serious about our coaching and mentoring skills.

With all this information, why is it that there is a dearth of good leaders, much less, great leaders, in the in the world – whether we are looking at government, business, non-profits, or ministry.  Understand, I am not talking about management, I’m talking about leadership.   For many, there is little difference between management and leadership.  Both involve people.  Both are about reaching objectives. But the focus is very different.  Management requires some leadership skills, and leadership certainly requires some management skills.

pet peeves

I can’t stand your religious meetings. I’m fed up with your conferences and conventions.
I want nothing to do with your religion projects, your pretentious slogans and goals.
I’m sick of your fund-raising schemes, your public relations and image making.
I’ve had all I can take of your noisy ego-music.
When was the last time you sang to me?
Do you know what I want?
I want justice—oceans of it.
I want fairness—rivers of it.
That’s what I want. That’s all I want.

Amos 5:21-24 [Message]