mother’s day

It’s another Mother’s Day and I miss my mom. I still long to sit next to her and hear her voice. I still remember her sweet verbal elongations in my head and how reassuring her presence was in my life.

I ordered mom some flowers this year [for Dad to take to the gravesite]. I haven’t done that the past two years. But felt like I wanted to this time. I think in previous years, I’d just kinda ignore it. And then when the day comes, the flood of emotions would return. As if almost completely unprepared for it.

But I guess I’m grieving a little bit more this week… thinking about her throughout the week. Taking a long time to pick out the flowers online, wondering… “What would mom like?” I wish I had done that more when she was alive. Always the regret of the living.

People who’ve had parents/loved ones die say that you never get used to it. Yes, the pain isn’t as sharp… but do you get used to it? No. It’s true… I’m not used to it still. The hole is still there and will always be there.

As we go continue this process of trying to have children… I do look forward to the day when I’ll be able to hold my child, look into his/her eyes and give a little kiss for grandma. To know how much grandma would have loved this moment. How much grandma would have been so proud of her grandchild. How grandma is looking forward to the day when she’ll get to hold her beloved for real… sometime in the future. Hopefully not too soon… but she’ll be waiting and it’ll be an embrace like they’ll never experience. It’ll be like the ones I use to get while I was growing up.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom…