EL’s Dribble

Here’s a great summary article on emotional intelligence from MindTools.com. I find that most people don’t understand their emotions well and yet it’s so critical in being able to relate with people and function well in whatever career or social setting we’re in. And yet I read this and I realize that for most people, there’s a roadblock to being able to “do” the things they suggest. Because if you can do all the things needed for higher emotional intelligence [humbly receiving criticism, observing how you affect people, taking responsibility for your own actions, etc.] you need to already have some level of self-assuredness, confidence or character. Without those, emotional intelligence is almost impossible to develop or maintain. 

Which brings me back to that Jesus-thing. Without some transformative work by Jesus, we’re left powerless to overcome the extraordinarily selfish disposition that keeps us from enduring someone’s verbal hits, owning up to our junk and being mindful of how others feel when we do things. 

But in the end, I agree with the article that emotional intelligence is as important if not more important than any other kind of intelligence. Check it out:

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Developing Strong “People Skills”

We probably all know people, either at work or in our personal lives, who are really good listeners. No matter what kind of situation we’re in, they always seem to know just what to say – and how to say it – so that we’re not offended or upset. They’re caring and considerate, and even if we don’t find a solution to our problem, we usually leave feeling more hopeful and optimistic.

We probably also know people who are masters at managing their emotions. They don’t get angry in stressful situations. Instead, they have the ability to look at a problem and calmly find a solution. They’re excellent decision makers, and they know when to trust their intuition. Regardless of their strengths, however, they’re usually willing to look at themselves honestly. They take criticism well, and they know when to use it to improve their performance. 

People like this have a high degree of emotional intelligence, or EI. They know themselves very well, and they’re also able to sense the emotional needs of others.

Would you like to be more like this?

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It’s funny [or disturbing] how much gets revealed when you spend bulk time with your family. I’m in Taiwan spending a week with my dad – taking care of family business, helping him sort through my grandparents things. Basically spending some father and son time. There have been few moments of “I’ll remember this for a lifetime”… but it’s been more of a journey in seeing the baggage my family carries around with them… and most certainly my own baggage that I still deal with.

I’ve been reading Henri Nouwen again. That guy reads me like a book [ironically as I’m reading his]. This time it’s The Return of the Prodigal Son which is his exposition of the Luke 15 passage and a personal journal of his encounter with Rembrandt’s painting of which he titled the book after.

I’m not even half way done and the thing is killing me; and I’m only up to where he talks about the rebellious younger son. He uses the analogy of the younger son “leaving home” as a parallel of when we doubt that God’s love is unconditional or that in him we are fully alive and secure. And when we doubt and begin looking in other places as if we don’t already have a home… that’s leaving home.

It can manifest in being at the mercy of people’s opinions, posturing for attention or respect, being paralyzed by fear… when we leave to find what we already have in God… we’re leaving home.

Here’s some Nouwen:

“…when I forget that voice of the first unconditional love, then these innocent suggestions can easily start dominating my life and pull me into the ‘distant country.’ It is not very hard for me to know when this is happening… a little criticism makes me angry and a little rejection makes me depressed. A little praise raises my spirits, and a little success excites me. It’s takes very little to raise me up or thrust me down… I am the prodigal son every time I search for unconditional love where it cannot be found.”

I notice when I’m around my family for a substantial period of time – this time my dad and my uncle – I see their insecurities, their posturing, their paralysis, their judgmentalism… and then I realize that it’s all in me. That’s frightening. Really frightening.

I see my own insecurities: I see how I try to say things that shade towards my competence, I see how I get scared to say the wrong things so I retreat into silence, I see how I throw back the judgment I think I’m getting with more judgment.

It’s born from thoughts in my mind that end with “…is not good enough.” My Chinese is not good enough, my career is not good enough, my “required public behavior” is not good enough, etc. When I allow these thoughts to stay too long, I’m forced to act out out on them [as if they were true]… and I realize that I’ve ventured into that “distant country”… looking for something that can never be found there.

It highlights even more the need to stay close to home [Jesus that is... not San Jose, haha]… where I don’t need to validate my worth, daydream of proving everyone wrong, wait for moments to highlight my brilliance. Home is where I’m received with nothing to prove and no explanation needed. It’s only here that I’m actually free to express myself without shading, say things without fear of getting it wrong and return judgment with mercy and humility.

It’s being out of my regular environment and around the people that push my buttons that I see the full breadth of my flawed-ness, the ball of anger, fear, pride, restlessness, sensitivity that I am [at times]. But it underscores my need to stay close to home. Rest my head on the chest of my Father, receive his embrace and enjoy being his son.

So my time here is not all “hyper-emo”… have had good dumplings, spending quality time with pops and will get to see some friends. Hopefully some more reflection on Nouwen soon…