lessons :: jesus
It takes at least a decade of real ministry for God to rid us of the arrogance we develop in college & seminary. – @RickWarren.
When people ask me about the last seven years of church planting, the only thing that sums it all up is that I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned about myself, about people, about “church”, about life and about being a son. And it’s been less of an adding to what I’ve known, but more a stripping away of who I am.
And if I were to boil it down to one thing, it’s this: God’s making sure he’s most important, the one that I love the most.
I remember listening to a Jaeson Ma sermon around when we started the church and he was sharing a prayer he prayed: “Jesus, would you take away anything that hinders me from loving you!” And I realized I’ve never prayed that before. Is that something I want? Would I trade anything to love him more? And I innocently said “Yes,” made it my own prayer and arrogantly applauded my hearty spirituality.
Well, I’ll give myself a little bit of credit – I really did want to love him more. But the truth is that I didn’t fully understand what I was asking. And the following season emerged to be the hardest years of my life. There was the struggle of starting a church from scratch, never having done it before, not having a CEO personality and starting something very few have done. I quickly realized I didn’t know what I was doing.
We learned soon after that my mom’s cancer was no longer treatable. Chemotherapy would at best buy her a bit more time. And so we’d journey the last months of her life struggling to take care of her [realizing two sons and a husband have not one ounce of the tenderness that my mom had] and then clumsily rediscovering our identity as a family without her.
During that season my attention was completely on my mom and I sorely neglected my wife. And every fault in our marriage and flaw in our character was exposed. We sorely needed some time together, but had none to spare. We were left with a marriage that was bone dry and neither of us had any love to give to the other.
And all along we were under the pressure of planting a church. I had a simple vision that I knew was from God – plant reproducing house churches and make true disciples that will passionately follow Jesus. But I realized quickly that my vision required a methodology that no one had really done before [in our denomination]. I had to sort through all the advice I was given, learn to take some and leave others. Unfortunately I took the wrong advice and left the good stuff behind.
I also learned that there were things I loved way more than Jesus. I loved “success”. Because “success” would garner me the respect and praise of others. Success was my savior. Not Jesus. And when I didn’t get it, I found myself angry at people and at God and struggling with my worth and competency. Every failure brought me closer to my biggest fear – that I was indeed an ineffective leader… worthless on the kingdom landscape.
And all along God would gently and not so gently remove or withhold things that would obstruct my view of him and my ear for his voice. And I repeatedly found myself at this fork in the road. A fork that would lead me to trust in his unalterable love for me or succumb to an oppressive self-condemnation that was based on my circumstances. There were times I’d choose to believe that he loves me. Believe that I’m not an idiot. Believe that I am worth something. And a few times where I’d succumb to the lies of the devil and spiral down into despair.
But over the last seven years, for my own good, God set it up so that I’d have to choose. And when I did choose him, I’d almost always experience a sense of peace, grandeur and embrace that can’t be found anywhere else. And when I didn’t, I’d suffer the reality of a life without Him. He was there, but I wouldn’t embrace him. And that life sucks.
And it’s taught me that there’s nothing better than Him. Loving Him and letting Him love me back. Walking with him, following his lead. And enjoying being His son. Success isn’t better. Having a ton of stuff isn’t better. Fulfilling all my dreams isn’t better. I definitely have further to go down this road and I’m still tempted to trade him for cheap crap. And this isn’t the last time I’ll be at a fork.
But I don’t think I’m the same person; I feel like I love God more than I did when we started. And I’m more aware of his tender, and un-relinquishing love for me. And I wonder whether that’s the only thing he wanted me to see [learn, experience, understand] in this season. Probably not… though I can hardly think of anything that’s more important and this stage of my life.
Lesson #1. Love Jesus.
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