Posts Tagged ‘death’
when living really means dying
Most days I’m steamrolling through… trying to “get’er done”, keep the truck moving and not stop until we get to the “prize”. I’m caught up in that pursuit most days. It’s fueled by a passion for Jesus. But I’d be lying if that higher-octane stuff wasn’t mixed in with some low-octane, dirt-filled selfish ambition to prove to the world that I’m amazing at what I do. That one day an edifice to my glory would be erected in my honor to my great accomplishments in this world. I’m no less perverted than the OG’s planning to build their tower in Babel.
My friend and I were talking about Dieter Zander recently and I asked him what’s going on with him. He was one of the first guys in North America to leave a “successful” megachurch career because he realized that there was something achingly missing. I wasn’t in tune with all his whereabouts, but he had written one of the first books about reaching Generation X people and had been slowly moving to smaller and smaller communities, rediscovering what a spiritual family really ought to be. Last I heard he was trying to start house churches in San Francisco and was no longer bent on doing the Sunday church thing. We’ve never met, but he has always been a passive role model.
I found out through my friend that Dieter had suffered a stroke in early 2008. And since then he hasn’t been the same – has not been able to resume any sort of normal ministry life. And it’s been a slow rehabilitation to just being able to speak and function normally.
Recently he had a party – a party to grieve and let go of the “old” life and embrace the “new” life. People came to share about his impact in their life. And I can imagine it being as bitter sweet as can be. He analogized it this way, “I feel like I’ve taken off my old coat, and put it down, and I’m putting on a new coat. I felt sad going to the party, like I was wearing my old coat, still wanting to do ministry the way I have for 25 years … same old familiar way. I put my coat down. It’s a transition to what’s next.”
I was talking to Sarah about it and it got me a little choked up… to have to die to something you’re not ready or wanting to die to… but you have to. It’s like having something ripped out of your hands. We experience it in small ways in a lot of things. But with something like this, it’s much more encompassing. And when it gets taken from you, you have a choice to keep dreaming of what it was like in the old days and remain in this constant state of bitterness. Or you can embrace what has come and begin looking at life from the new set of eyes you’ve been given.
mother’s day
It’s another Mother’s Day and I miss my mom. I still long to sit next to her and hear her voice. I still remember her sweet verbal elongations in my head and how reassuring her presence was in my life.
I ordered mom some flowers this year [for Dad to take to the gravesite]. I haven’t done that the past two years. But felt like I wanted to this time. I think in previous years, I’d just kinda ignore it. And then when the day comes, the flood of emotions would return. As if almost completely unprepared for it.
But I guess I’m grieving a little bit more this week… thinking about her throughout the week. Taking a long time to pick out the flowers online, wondering… “What would mom like?” I wish I had done that more when she was alive. Always the regret of the living.
People who’ve had parents/loved ones die say that you never get used to it. Yes, the pain isn’t as sharp… but do you get used to it? No. It’s true… I’m not used to it still. The hole is still there and will always be there.
As we go continue this process of trying to have children… I do look forward to the day when I’ll be able to hold my child, look into his/her eyes and give a little kiss for grandma. To know how much grandma would have loved this moment. How much grandma would have been so proud of her grandchild. How grandma is looking forward to the day when she’ll get to hold her beloved for real… sometime in the future. Hopefully not too soon… but she’ll be waiting and it’ll be an embrace like they’ll never experience. It’ll be like the ones I use to get while I was growing up.
Happy Mother’s Day Mom…
