EL’s Dribble

The past five years for Sarah and I have been the toughest of our lives. We’ve had to endure some tragic moments, work through the realities of marriage and struggle to learn on the job as we lead our church. We’ve had every range of emotion – from elation to frustration; from awe-filled to awful. That last one doesn’t really work, but oh-well.

And God seems to keep coming back to one question, “Do you love Me more than everything else?” And there are moments I feel like I answer well and yet life puts it to the test again – whether it’s frustration with our church or working through the pains of having children [or not having children]. Life finds a way to put what you believe in the crucible.

I find myself needing to choose over and over… is it God that I love and follow? Or is it success? Or respect? Or fame? Or security? It’s always the simple truths that I have to come back to.

I was flipping channels and I came across some random TBN-ish station where they were interviewing Nick Vujicic. He was born without arms and legs, radically received Jesus and is now traveling the world as an evangelist. And I caught the interview right when he said, “God asked me, ‘Nick, would you rather have me or arms and legs?’” Nick shared how he was whining to God about not being like everyone else… and in his moment of despair, God asked him that question and told him that he’ll do things he’ll never imagine doing. But it doesn’t include arms and legs.

And I started thinking – most of us [including most Christians] will think that’s just down right cruel. That God would pit himself against something like arms and legs. It’s borderline abusive. But the reality of our world is this – we will never be free if God isn’t the one we desire most. We will worship, build our worth or grow co-dependent on anything we can put our hands on. And I’m realizing that I’m never really free if Jesus isn’t the one I love most – if his opinion, his approval, his embrace isn’t the most important one.

I’m finding that everything I do puts that to the test… when I talk to people I’ve never met, lead with ideas that I “think” are from God or endure failure in things I try, it always comes up… “Is pleasing me, obeying me, following me… reason enough?” He has to ask me that… he has to… for my own good. Most of the time, I hate it.

And I have to choose every day… and often multiple times a day [or I won't make it]… “Alright Jesus… it’s you that I want. It’s your opinion that matters, it’s your truth that I believe, it’s your love that I bank on. I choose you.” Over the fleeting affection of fame, attention, respect, success. And yes, maybe even arms and legs. And the freedom that he promises begins to pour into my soul… sometimes just little droplets… but other times in great outpourings. And it can’t be found anywhere else. God pitting himself against my desires/dreams/idols is what I need whether I like it or not.

From my friend David – it’s so short, I’ll just repost the whole thing… his quote and commentary. It’s very true. David’s last statement reminds me of the response the Pharisees had when this heretical Jesus guy started threatening the “institution”; they were very aware of what was at stake – per John 11:48.

Originally taken from here. An excerpt from Seth Godin’s book Tribes.

Leadership is scarce because few people are willing to go through the discomfort required to lead. The scarcity makes leadership valuable. If everyone tries to lead all the time, not much happens. It’s discomfort that creates the leverage that makes leadership worthwhile. In other words, if everyone could do it, they would, and it wouldn’t be worth much.

It’s uncomfortable to stand up in front of strangers.
It’s uncomfortable to propose an idea that might fail.
It’s uncomfortable to challenge the status quo.
It’s uncomfortable to resist the urge to settle.

When you identify the discomfort, you’ve found the place where a leader is needed. If you’re not uncomfortable in your work as a leader, it’s almost certain you’re not reaching your potential as a leader.

A quote from comedian John Cleese from Monty Python fame :

“I think that the real religion is about the understanding that if we can only still our egos for a few seconds, we might have a chance of experiencing something that is divine in nature. But in order to do that, we have to slice away at our egos and try to get them down to a manageable size, and then still work some practiced light meditation. So real religion is about reducing our egos, whereas all the churches are interested in is egotistical activities, like getting as many members and raising as much money and becoming as important and high-profile and influential as possible. All of which are egotistical attitudes. So how can you have an egotistical organization trying to teach a non-egotistical ideal? It makes no sense, unless you regard religion as crowd control. What I think most organized religion—simply crowd control.”

I rarely do a lot of ranting via the blog – and God has slowly worked down a lot of bitterness in me. So this is not so much a rant against the church, but an acknowledgment that the world sees the disconnect between the message and the method [medium]. We think we can use whatever means to communicate the Gospel… as long as it goes out. But our method is contradicting our message and everyone knows it.

It’s in line with what John says in his Gospel that the Word was God… the Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us [1:1,14]. Jesus wasn’t just communicating a message – he was the message. He embodied the message – how he lived, who he was, his identity, his purpose, his being was as much the message as the words that came out of his mouth.

We need to recognize how our method is contradicting our message… and begin to repent and reform.

Most days I’m steamrolling through… trying to “get’er done”, keep the truck moving and not stop until we get to the “prize”. I’m caught up in that pursuit most days. It’s fueled by a passion for Jesus. But I’d be lying if that higher-octane stuff wasn’t mixed in with some low-octane, dirt-filled selfish ambition to prove to the world that I’m amazing at what I do. That one day an edifice to my glory would be erected in my honor to my great accomplishments in this world. I’m no less perverted than the OG’s planning to build their tower in Babel.

My friend and I were talking about Dieter Zander recently and I asked him what’s going on with him. He was one of the first guys in North America to leave a “successful” megachurch career because he realized that there was something achingly missing. I wasn’t in tune with all his whereabouts, but he had written one of the first books about reaching Generation X people and had been slowly moving to smaller and smaller communities, rediscovering what a spiritual family really ought to be. Last I heard he was trying to start house churches in San Francisco and was no longer bent on doing the Sunday church thing. We’ve never met, but he has always been a passive role model.

I found out through my friend that Dieter had suffered a stroke in early 2008. And since then he hasn’t been the same – has not been able to resume any sort of normal ministry life. And it’s been a slow rehabilitation to just being able to speak and function normally.

Recently he had a party – a party to grieve and let go of the “old” life and embrace the “new” life. People came to share about his impact in their life. And I can imagine it being as bitter sweet as can be. He analogized it this way, “I feel like I’ve taken off my old coat, and put it down, and I’m putting on a new coat. I felt sad going to the party, like I was wearing my old coat, still wanting to do ministry the way I have for 25 years … same old familiar way. I put my coat down. It’s a transition to what’s next.”

I was talking to Sarah about it and it got me a little choked up… to have to die to something you’re not ready or wanting to die to… but you have to. It’s like having something ripped out of your hands. We experience it in small ways in a lot of things. But with something like this, it’s much more encompassing. And when it gets taken from you, you have a choice to keep dreaming of what it was like in the old days and remain in this constant state of bitterness. Or you can embrace what has come and begin looking at life from the new set of eyes you’ve been given.

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I was at my first of four weddings that I’ll be officiating this past weekend. It was in Tahoe and ahhh… I forgot how beautiful Lake Tahoe really is. I got to meet a lot of Gail and Hubert’s family and got to know hear some good stories.

I was talking with one of Gail’s cousins – a really interesting guy who works for a school-photography company [taking those semi-cheese stock school photos - the one we all had when we were in elementary school]. On first appearance he looked like one of those “I’m-passionate-about-art-and-design-but-I’m-always-misunderstood-so-I’ll-keep-a-harder-exterior-and-a-safe-distance-from-you” – I guess I judge people just like everyone else.

But it was easy to strike up a conversation and connection with him – of which couldn’t be said about most people these days. We talked about random things, including careers, photography, family, etc. And then I noticed that he had a tattoo on his wrist – so I asked him what that tattoo was. It looked like a bracelet tattooed around his wrist with the following word inscribed on the inside of the wrist:

It is pronounced “ASHER” which means “BLESSED” in Hebrew… I didn’t want to flex my amazing Hebrew on him [of which there wasn't much anyways]… frankly all I could do was pronouce it. Weak.

He shared that as he was growing up he was really hard on himself. He would hear people’s criticism and he’d take it really hard and be in depressive funks for weeks on end. A few years ago he went to the Philippines to visit family and came across a group of people who had far less than he had and yet weren’t suffering the same type of emotional funks. They were blessed… and it reminded him that he was blessed as well. And as he began to remember that God had indeed blessed him [I assume with the life, the skills, the job he has, etc.]… the depressive funks began to go away. He said he suffers very few of those funks these days.

He finished off his explanation with this – that at the end of the day [his words not mine, haha], God’s opinion of him was the only one that mattered. It was so encouraging… to hear someone understand in it’s simplest form, the essential message of Jesus. I don’t think he went to church or was particularly “religious” – whatever that means. But he understood… and because of this, he had a very genuine “sunny-disposition”… it wasn’t fake like many of us “professional” Christians. He was very thoughtful and you can tell he’s a thinker – but he didn’t look weighed down and had no problem sharing his story with some punk like me.

He knew he was blessed – but after our convo, I was the one who’s blessed.

From the Urban Dictionary:

Not to be (stereotypically) confused with Jesus freaks or aimless gang members. A Soulja, is anyone who has gone through hard times and fought against adversity. A Soulja’s strength comes from within, strength of mind, body, soul, and character. A true Soulja would have learned from his/her mistakes, taken responsibility for his/her actions and gained strength to never back down. Someone who knows no limits to his/her own power and God given abilities. A person who serves their people, lives by a strict code, and is never afraid to stand up for what they believe in. Someone who is willing to fight for their home, family, property, etc, but is not necessarily part of a conventional service (Army, Marines, Navy, Air Force, etc). A Soulja cannot be defined by race, age, background, location, or economic status.

I had my Tuesday day off today – it has not been an easy discipline honestly. I’ve been challenged by Pete Scazerro’s [and others] rebuke for people to take proper sabbaths – especially pastors. So I’ve been trying to really learn to relax, take my time, keep the rest of the world away and live in an unhurried mindfulness of God.

So I watched a movie… at home. It was raining all day and taking very “spiritual” walks in the woods don’t happen in the rain. I watched this documentary called Man on Wire. It was really interesting and the temptation is to wonder what kind of personality would do something so foolish as to string up a tightrope between the World Trade Center and walk across. Insane.

But it was really intriguing to hear Philippe Petit share about how his dream was spawned and the passion he had for something so crazy, so out of the ordinary, something that could demand his life in the pursuit. During all the meticulous planning and the numerous setbacks, he said that he needed to remind himself of the sheer exhilaration he’d feel once he’s on the rope.

The logical question would be to ask why we don’t live with the same kind of reckless passion. But I think we all know why. I sense that most of us live life placidly and occasionally embark on some death-defying challenge that reminds us that we can live, really live. It’s as if we strive to live ordinary existences needing occasional moments of the extraordinary [just to keep us sane]. What if we tried living extraordinary existences needing occasional moments of the ordinary [just to keep us sane]. Maybe life would be different… incomplete thoughts… but a few reflections after a pretty engaging documentary.

Some quotes:

“If I die, what a beautiful death. To die in the exercise of passion.”

“To me, it’s really so simple, that life should be lived on the edge. You have to exercise rebellion. To refuse to tape yourself to the rules, to refuse your own success, to refuse to repeat yourself, to see every day, every year, every idea as a true challenge. Then you will live your life on the tightrope.”

Photo courtesy of Z is for Zoe

So I spoke at a retreat a few months ago and shared on simple ways to love the people around us. I had shared how I brought a pie over to a neighbor and endured a long 4 seconds of silence. The kind where you look at each other and wonder whether someone had pressed pause so as to enjoy the awkward moment just a little bit longer. The awkwardness stemming maybe from the fact that rarely do people really do anything for anybody with no strings attached. But we ended up developing a friendship and it’s good to connect with more of my neighbors.

Well this one guy came up to me during the retreat and shared that he felt like God was telling him to buy a pizza for his neighbor. He said he never talks to his neighbors and they were the kind of people his momma wouldn’t even want him to be around – chain smoking, fully tattoo’d up, the look of trouble.

I saw him tonite at Warren’s show [Phonofield] and he told me that he followed through on what God was telling him to do. But instead of the pizza, he brought over a box of Marlboro’s. Unopened, still shrink wrapped. He wanted it to be as “natural” as possible. So he bought himself some smokes, mosied on over… started talking, pushed his tongue a little harder… and said something like, “I had an extra box of cigarettes… thought I’d give ‘em to ya.”

The neighbor looked at him a little funny but took them and said, “I normally smoke Marlboro lights.” My friend felt a little bad that he got the wrong ones, but nevertheless was glad that he followed through. A few days later he came out of his house ready to get into his car and he noticed that his car was wet. He looked around, saw his neighbor across the street. They came up to him and said, “We had extra soap and water from washing our cars so we washed your car too.” And now each morning his neighbor gives him a little peace sign as he drives off.

Before this whole thing he had no excuse, no natural connection… and every reason to stay across the street, mind his own business, hold on to the bit of fear that keeps 97% of us from crossing the street, taking risks, building bridges. I’ve been reminded often that we don’t always need to get it right… we need to get over ourselves and have a willingness to step out, and just follow Jesus simply.

I remember praying a while back… “God I would take any role, even if it meant failing so that someone else would rise up for Jesus in this generation.” In essence I was willing to do anything in order for the kingdom to move forward in our city and generation. I don’t think I was disingenuous about it. I meant it…

But I also think God this past year has been checking me on it… do you really not care about “your church” growing and only that my kingdom moves and grows?

I thought I got it all out of me the first time I made that declaration… and though a lot of me has come out. There’s still much of me left to be expunged. When JTB says – “That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less,” I now realize more and more the profundity of the statement – the simple yet pure faith and surrender required for it to said honestly.

Thanks for checking me on it, Jesus. It’s still in me…