EL’s Dribble

The past five years for Sarah and I have been the toughest of our lives. We’ve had to endure some tragic moments, work through the realities of marriage and struggle to learn on the job as we lead our church. We’ve had every range of emotion – from elation to frustration; from awe-filled to awful. That last one doesn’t really work, but oh-well.

And God seems to keep coming back to one question, “Do you love Me more than everything else?” And there are moments I feel like I answer well and yet life puts it to the test again – whether it’s frustration with our church or working through the pains of having children [or not having children]. Life finds a way to put what you believe in the crucible.

I find myself needing to choose over and over… is it God that I love and follow? Or is it success? Or respect? Or fame? Or security? It’s always the simple truths that I have to come back to.

I was flipping channels and I came across some random TBN-ish station where they were interviewing Nick Vujicic. He was born without arms and legs, radically received Jesus and is now traveling the world as an evangelist. And I caught the interview right when he said, “God asked me, ‘Nick, would you rather have me or arms and legs?’” Nick shared how he was whining to God about not being like everyone else… and in his moment of despair, God asked him that question and told him that he’ll do things he’ll never imagine doing. But it doesn’t include arms and legs.

And I started thinking – most of us [including most Christians] will think that’s just down right cruel. That God would pit himself against something like arms and legs. It’s borderline abusive. But the reality of our world is this – we will never be free if God isn’t the one we desire most. We will worship, build our worth or grow co-dependent on anything we can put our hands on. And I’m realizing that I’m never really free if Jesus isn’t the one I love most – if his opinion, his approval, his embrace isn’t the most important one.

I’m finding that everything I do puts that to the test… when I talk to people I’ve never met, lead with ideas that I “think” are from God or endure failure in things I try, it always comes up… “Is pleasing me, obeying me, following me… reason enough?” He has to ask me that… he has to… for my own good. Most of the time, I hate it.

And I have to choose every day… and often multiple times a day [or I won't make it]… “Alright Jesus… it’s you that I want. It’s your opinion that matters, it’s your truth that I believe, it’s your love that I bank on. I choose you.” Over the fleeting affection of fame, attention, respect, success. And yes, maybe even arms and legs. And the freedom that he promises begins to pour into my soul… sometimes just little droplets… but other times in great outpourings. And it can’t be found anywhere else. God pitting himself against my desires/dreams/idols is what I need whether I like it or not.

Photographer: jmoorecoll.wordpress.com

It’s best to read the previous post before reading this one… it’s like watching Speed 2 without the original Speed and the magnificent Keanu setting the jaw-dropping action trajectory. Yeah.

When I think of when I’ve really experienced God’s love, it’s often been very simple revelations. It’s noticing what has always been there in the first place, but I was too caught up with myself to see it. And the surrender point comes when I’ve come to my end… where I can no longer figure it out, all resources are spent and I’ve done all I know how to get what I want. In great proclamation or in a mental whisper… I mutter, “I give up.”

Like when you’re looking for your keys. And you do everything… backtrack, look through all your pants, look underneath every cushion and then you’re beat. You’ve looked everywhere and got no where else to look. So you sit down, defeated. And you look up and they’re right next to the door where you last left them.

One example…

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I was having lunch with a friend… eating well and having good conversation. And we slowly migrated to talking about God… and eventually to discussing what it means to really connect with God. And the question came up, “How do you really experience God’s love?”

I wasn’t all that sure how to respond. If there was a formula they didn’t teach us that in school. And my friend and I have been in the “church world” long enough to know all the pat answers [ie. more Bible and more prayer].

I thought back [quickly] to moments of very tangibly experiencing God’s love. Times where it felt unmistakably other-worldly. A mix of euphoria, liberation and embrace. Inebriated, but never losing yourself. Soaring in the clouds, but well grounded in reality. And you can’t help but to mutter to yourself… “Man, He loves me… He really loves me.”

And the only response I could think of was this… it seems like most experiences of God’s love are associated with some degree of surrender. The heart or will’s need to resign… to give in… to give up… to yield to whatever God is going to do – good or bad.

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Photo courtesy of Z is for Zoe

So I spoke at a retreat a few months ago and shared on simple ways to love the people around us. I had shared how I brought a pie over to a neighbor and endured a long 4 seconds of silence. The kind where you look at each other and wonder whether someone had pressed pause so as to enjoy the awkward moment just a little bit longer. The awkwardness stemming maybe from the fact that rarely do people really do anything for anybody with no strings attached. But we ended up developing a friendship and it’s good to connect with more of my neighbors.

Well this one guy came up to me during the retreat and shared that he felt like God was telling him to buy a pizza for his neighbor. He said he never talks to his neighbors and they were the kind of people his momma wouldn’t even want him to be around – chain smoking, fully tattoo’d up, the look of trouble.

I saw him tonite at Warren’s show [Phonofield] and he told me that he followed through on what God was telling him to do. But instead of the pizza, he brought over a box of Marlboro’s. Unopened, still shrink wrapped. He wanted it to be as “natural” as possible. So he bought himself some smokes, mosied on over… started talking, pushed his tongue a little harder… and said something like, “I had an extra box of cigarettes… thought I’d give ‘em to ya.”

The neighbor looked at him a little funny but took them and said, “I normally smoke Marlboro lights.” My friend felt a little bad that he got the wrong ones, but nevertheless was glad that he followed through. A few days later he came out of his house ready to get into his car and he noticed that his car was wet. He looked around, saw his neighbor across the street. They came up to him and said, “We had extra soap and water from washing our cars so we washed your car too.” And now each morning his neighbor gives him a little peace sign as he drives off.

Before this whole thing he had no excuse, no natural connection… and every reason to stay across the street, mind his own business, hold on to the bit of fear that keeps 97% of us from crossing the street, taking risks, building bridges. I’ve been reminded often that we don’t always need to get it right… we need to get over ourselves and have a willingness to step out, and just follow Jesus simply.

As I’m reluctantly doing my ordination work, I’m reading through a book that I read a while back… a book that I found really hard to read and not terribly original. But reading it again this time around, I’m finding it to be pretty invigorating. It’s “The Pursuit of God” by AW Tozer. One of the prophetic pillars of the CMA.

One of the endorsements on the back from the Steve Green:

“The writings of Tozer shake me from slumber, inspire grand thoughts of God and expose the compromise in my heart.”

Yikes, who wants that.

A prayer that I’ve been praying these days from chapter 1 of the book is:

O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God. I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, “Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.” Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Two things sort of jarring me this past month:

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It’s another Mother’s Day and I miss my mom. I still long to sit next to her and hear her voice. I still remember her sweet verbal elongations in my head and how reassuring her presence was in my life.

I ordered mom some flowers this year [for Dad to take to the gravesite]. I haven’t done that the past two years. But felt like I wanted to this time. I think in previous years, I’d just kinda ignore it. And then when the day comes, the flood of emotions would return. As if almost completely unprepared for it.

But I guess I’m grieving a little bit more this week… thinking about her throughout the week. Taking a long time to pick out the flowers online, wondering… “What would mom like?” I wish I had done that more when she was alive. Always the regret of the living.

People who’ve had parents/loved ones die say that you never get used to it. Yes, the pain isn’t as sharp… but do you get used to it? No. It’s true… I’m not used to it still. The hole is still there and will always be there.

As we go continue this process of trying to have children… I do look forward to the day when I’ll be able to hold my child, look into his/her eyes and give a little kiss for grandma. To know how much grandma would have loved this moment. How much grandma would have been so proud of her grandchild. How grandma is looking forward to the day when she’ll get to hold her beloved for real… sometime in the future. Hopefully not too soon… but she’ll be waiting and it’ll be an embrace like they’ll never experience. It’ll be like the ones I use to get while I was growing up.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom…

I was in Redding this past week with some CMA guys looking to recruit interns. I wasn’t like other guys looking for someone to fill in a youth, children’s or worship position. I didn’t have a position to fill but willing to see if there are some guys who want to just come along and learn together. I guess that’s probably more in tune with the original concept of “intern”.

We went to the Asian fellowship and since it’s a CMA school, most of the Asian students were Hmong – there are a lot of Hmong CMA churches. I was really encouraged by the fire and passion for Jesus in them. It was good to see students who didn’t want to settle for status quo spirituality. They wanted revival and they wanted it bad… among their people and in the world.

I realized too that I don’t see that same fire among Chinese and Korean-American Christians. There isn’t that desperation that I see in these Hmong students. Granted, our sample size isn’t entirely fair… and most of these students are in Bible college for a reason. But still… the passion is so refreshing to see.

I think they grasp the Gospel more… that it’s really good news to them… I think they do because they come from poor families. Living in poorer neighborhoods, coming from working class families and being a part of the immigrant experience. Second generation Chinese/Korean kids have a little bit of the immigrant experience through their parents, but it’s not the same. They come primarily from middle-income families and don’t need to fight for what you get – and many of our parents do whatever they can to shield them from the hardships. I know, I’m one of them. I have to confess that I had it pretty easy. I’ve had to fight a few battles, but not like these guys.

When Jesus says blessed are the poor… there’s a reason. And you see it come to life among these new friends we made. If the poor are so blessed, why are we as a nation fighting so hard for money?

We also participated in a ministry class entitled, “The Business of Ministry”. Great. Their assignment that day? Lead a board meeting. Wow.  I think there’s nothing more invigorating.

I also got to hang out with this guy named Edmond Yeung. I have to confess that I don’t get along with a lot of Chinese pastors. I’m thoroughly supported by many Chinese pastors, but when it comes to connecting with them, we’re in different worlds. Completely… and frankly, it’s frustrating.

But I got to spend some time with Edmond and I was so encouraged. Why? He wasn’t about the numbers [his church is around 40-50 people]; he wasn’t about the acclaim. He didn’t have an unhealthy ambition that I see in so many pastors – I get it too sometimes and I have to beat the damn dog out of me. He wasn’t dominated with a drive to get more people in his church for the sake of getting more people in his church. He longed for people just to love Jesus. All he wanted to see was people turned on to the Gospel. That’s all. It didn’t matter that they were in his church or not.

And he told stories about his life – how his siblings were brilliant and he was the “dunce” among his siblings. And that God found  a way to use someone who’s terrible at public speaking, not exceptionally bright and with not a whole lot to give. He’s one of these guys… these guys that I so admire… that say stuff like this… “I don’t know how God did it… but he did.” Sorta like the blind man in the Gospels, “I don’t know what happened. All I know is that I was blind, but now I see.”

The man loves Jesus… why? Because he knows he can’t do anything for Jesus and yet he still loves him! And he can’t help but to love him back! He just loves Jesus. I love that… and it’s so encouraging. I can imagine that he’s not super popular among Chinese pastors. Because he’s not the savviest, nor the most charismatic and he definitely doesn’t have the biggest church. But the man loves Jesus. And that seems like it should count the most. It seems. Thanks Edmond for redeeming my historical relationship with Chinese pastors.