thank you

I’ve been a little tired this week trying to figure out this talk for Compass. And it has been a little frustrating only because I stress and am a perfectionist at heart. I think what nags me is that I don’t want to disappoint. And wrestling myself back into grace and embrace isn’t always easy. I’m still a man and I still have my pride… though God is working it down year by year.

I’ve been simply trying to pray simple prayers as of recent… like “fill me with your Spirit” and “I just want to love you today.” Some weeks it’s very centering and other weeks I recede with the undercurrent of life. But today… as long as it is today… I just prayed to be filled and said that I believe and lo and behold, the Spirit filled me. I wasn’t casting out demons here at Panera. I wasn’t jumping off the walls. But I enjoyed his presence today. I had insight into what I thought would be good to share at Friday group tonite. I prayed genuinely and under the leading for people. And I was able to just to say genuinely… “Papa, you are so good.”

Thank you for little touches Jesus…

i just don’t know…

I can’t describe how I’m feeling this morning… but it’s that everything is way above my head these days. I never feel like I’m in control anymore. It sounds pretty distressing, but it’s rather liberating. As I read through John with the boys, all I see are verses that talk about how the Holy Spirit just does his thing and you can’t ever predict it. You find Jesus saying one thing [purposefully?] and then doing another. That sounds contradictory… to me it just sounds like you can’t peg him. He’s doing his thing whether you like it or not. He talks about how sickness will lead to glory… but how? I don’t know. He does crazy miracles and no one really knows what to make of it. There’s no explanation.

It just sounds like people are confused – like the human tornado just hit. Yes, that’s a Dolemite reference. Don’t look it up. And at the end, he still demands for it all. And reiterates again and again, that he does it. We don’t do it, he does it.

I wonder sometimes what God is trying to make of me – meaning, I’m a work in progress; but what’s the final product? What will I be like when I’m 40? Or 50? Or 80? What will I be like? And the little things I’m learning each moment is this simple thing that it’s all Jesus. It’s always been Jesus. Jesus does it. He did it in the beginning, why would it change now? The heart of the Gospel is that Jesus came to be with us. We didn’t go to him. He sacrificed his life. We sacrificed nothing. He embraced us. We didn’t embrace him. And when it’s so stark like that… there’s only one response. But to love him more each day.

I want to be one of those guys in their 80’s who reflect on their life and they’ve nothing much to say but, “I just don’t know… but one thing I do know… I was blind, but now I see.” I want to be one of those guys that just says… all I know is that Jesus loves me and it still messes me up. I don’t care to be this expert practitioner. I don’t really need public acclaim [it’s not to say I don’t have those fleshly dreams]… I just want to be that guy who says that Jesus loves him and he just loves him back.

I sense that God is working out the kinks to be able to arrive at that very destination.

apest test

Results of my APEST inventory from Alan Hirsch’s website – the Forgotten Ways. Will process this later in another post.

Shepherding:  37
Teaching:  28
Evangelistic:  22
Prophetic:  22
Apostolic:  11

dying

I remember praying a while back… “God I would take any role, even if it meant failing so that someone else would rise up for Jesus in this generation.” In essence I was willing to do anything in order for the kingdom to move forward in our city and generation. I don’t think I was disingenuous about it. I meant it…

But I also think God this past year has been checking me on it… do you really not care about “your church” growing and only that my kingdom moves and grows?

I thought I got it all out of me the first time I made that declaration… and though a lot of me has come out. There’s still much of me left to be expunged. When JTB says – “That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less,” I now realize more and more the profundity of the statement – the simple yet pure faith and surrender required for it to said honestly.

Thanks for checking me on it, Jesus. It’s still in me…

answers – mission – next

I brought our team to the CMA [not Christian and Missionary Alliance – whom we are a part of] Organic Church Movements Conference this past weekend and I’m thankful that it wasn’t lame. And frankly, it turned out really well. Not because the conference was organized so beautifully or that the laying out of the information was necessarily that stellar, but simply said, God spoke. I really wanted my team to come… and they were reluctant: for both good reason and not so good reasons in my opinion.

So I prayed that God would speak. One of the CMA leaders shared in the beginning that God would speak and that we need to be listening. Some of our guys got attacked spiritually as they walked into the conference room – so we prayed; prayed for protection from attack of the enemy so we could hear God speak. And God spoke… different ways to different people and in some very ordinary ways. But it was what we needed to hear… and I’m thankful for that.

I don’t know why – but for some reason I was reminded that we had prayed for God to speak… and he did and that he answered that prayer. For some reason… this time, I was immensely thankful for God that he answered. Almost a little surprised. Why? I’m not sure… maybe sometimes when I pray, I have the following 2 responses:

>> [Assuming that he does answer] – Well, of course he answered. He has to. Heart response? Not appreciative… God is just doing his job.
>> [Assuming no apparent answer] – Well, no surprise… he knows best, and well, I’m just used to him not answering. Heart response? Callous.

Today, I’d like to say sorry Jesus… sorry for taking you for granted. Sorry for losing faith too easily. Sorry for moving too fast and missing the fact that you have answered and responded to my cries every time… and so often my faith is based on a “what have you done for me lately?” sentiment. Sorry my Lord…

I was also encouraged to see Alan and Luanne grasp some things that we’ve always talked about through our time as a church, but it has taken a few years to “put it all together.” I was excited to see the fire re-ignited in Lisa and Serg. I was thankful for my wife who was sick and yet was humble and willing to learn and receive. I’m thankful for my buddy Warren who has always been the “early adopter” of my leadership decisions.

The harder question is, “What next?” – we can’t just go down and not heed the call that God has made on each of us individually and as a community that wants to reach a world for Jesus. What’s next?

The overwhelming word that we need to embrace from this past weekend?

Mission

Here we go…