it’s been four years

Christmas has always been a tough season for me. Part of it has to do with always feeling that Christmas and Easter are like finals week for pastors. The irony is that we’re not really setup for grandiose Christmas productions and earth-shattering alter calls. But it always just adds a little stress – proof that my heart still bends towards being achievement-minded and seeking the approval of others. I’m actually very encouraged by our December… which will hopefully be detailed in another post.

But I think the primary reason is that Christmas has never been the same since my mom passed away on Christmas day of 2005. I’m not really sure what to say about it other than I really miss her. She was the glue that connected my family and there’s still something very glaringly missing when we’re together.

Like always we visited the cemetery on Christmas day and we looked at the date… December 25, 2005… and my sister-in-law remarked, “Wow, it’s been four years.” And it felt like one of those “fill-in-the-blank” statements:

Wow, it’s been four years and it still feels like she just passed away.
Wow, it’s been four years since that season of life where mom’s illness turned all of our worlds upside down.
Wow, it’s been four years and it still hurts a lot that she’s not here with us.

Not much has changed and yet so much has happened. My brother is still an architect, though he did finally pass his licensing exam. I still lead the church we started when she was alive, but I’ve learned an enormous amount and have experienced innumerable failures and successes. Dad is still single [which I’m slightly surprised], still wakes up early to walk and still longs to be with the woman he has loved almost his entire life.

There have been so many life movements where I think we all wished mom was around. Both my brother and I [and our wives obviously] struggling to have children. Me enduring the growing pains of being a good leader. Dad having to relearn so many things from the vantage point of being alone, ie. eating, friends, security, health. I still remember going to the grocery store with my dad a few months after and it was so odd. Thinking that this is all stuff mom used to do. It’s like writing with your left hand. It’s legible, but it just feels all wrong.

I’m not really sure Christmas will ever be the same – it’s not a depressing edict on my life as though it’ll never be rich and full of life. It will and has to some degree. But we still live in the wake of mom’s passing – though the shock of the waves are slowly decreasing. And we’re learning to enjoy and celebrate again. I appreciate my wife helping me learn to celebrate [not just Christmas, but life too]. I’ve learned that I don’t really understand celebrating. And I’m growing in that. It’s coming along.

But it’s getting better – my family tries much harder to find time to be with each other. We listen to each other more. We don’t get as bent out of shape by the other’s flaws. On the day where we celebrate the birth of Jesus and this birth reminding us that God has not forgotten us, has remained faithful to his promises, will not let us go… this Christmas has reminded me that God has not let us go. He’s birthing something in us. I’m not sure if it’s come out yet. But it’s on the way.

So we’re still going, moving along and working it all out. I’m looking forward to our family vacation this year. I’m looking forward to my little mini-trips back to Fresno to spend meaningful and not-so-meaningful moments with dad. I’m looking forward to celebrating Christmas with my kids and showering them with the love mom gave us from Christmas’ past.

There is still a gaping hole where mom used to be. A hole that is felt almost daily though doesn’t need to be filled necessarily. But a hole that also adds depth to the peaks of life today and gives perspective for tomorrow. I’m thankful that we made it to four years… and ready for the years ahead.